Possession

People always add possession to things like stroke or heart attack...I won't take possession of something I never wanted or asked for. It isn't "my" stroke. It's THE stroke. I refuse to give it any possession over me. It happened to me, it's not mine.

Laxatives and adult diapers

Yesterday I was pushing a cart in the grocery store.  I pushed my cart with a mission of getting through this busy isle without insident.  I zoomed passed a family pushing an overful cart that must have food from at least half of isle 2 and most of the cereal isle. They had a child in the front seat reaching for every thing it could grasp, nose running and whining. As I performed a nascar  move around that scene, I was feeling particularly happy that those stressful parenting days were in my past...I am sure I was even smugly smiling.  I was almost out of the busy isle when i spotted an older lady pushing her cart and staring directly at me.  She was making a mean face like she had just smelled a fart and knew I was the culprit.  At this moment she makes a motion with her hands to slow down as if i was driving 55  past  blind children playing and she says loudly, "slow down...you're gonna hurt someone acting like that. "  I did my typical laugh it off because a) I could barely hear her as a zoomed past her at time lapsing speed and b) she had to have been kidding... didn't she? I immediately told my husband and we both had a laugh. But as I lay in bed I wonder, what would make a person feel like that was a real concern so much so that they needed to express loudly in a busy grocery store? Was her life moving in such a tortoise slow pace that I was a theat to others safety? I mean honestly,  they are shopping carts.  So, I began to make scenarios of the state of this womans life to explain her actions. 
1. Maybe she was very constipated and looking for the prune juice. I can relate to feeling uncomfortable and bloated and your deepest desire is to drop a toilet clogging duce.
2. Maybe her grandson just stole the keys to her Buick and was caught joyriding with a carload of teens drinking booze and taking marijuana tablets.
3.  Maybe she had fallen down the stairs that morning and her Life alert didn't work so she had to call her grandson but he was busy with his hooligan friends so now she had only to rely on herself but because she was so bloated and constipated she couldn't get up and cried until a neighbor heard and broke into her house because he didn't have a key and had to help her up while laughing at her because when she had fallen she had landed on her precious siamese cat Biscuit. 

Maybe I get carried away and overthink things.

So what???

I have never read or gone to see Fifty Shades of Grey, Magic Mike or any of the Twilight series. I wasn't a mom that took allegiance to any team whether it be Jacob or Edward.  I am 45 and proud to be here. With that said, i am fed up with the ignorant statements being made that women will see those movies, read those books yet be offended by what Donald Trump was caught saying in 2005 about what he does to women. Really? How much lower can society go? Just when I think we have hit bottom, it goes further down the rabbit hole. I do not see the correlation between reading a fictitious book or watching fictional movies with a grown ass man bragging about sexually assaulting women and getting away with it due to his fame. I am disgusted by those of you that are in support of such comments and dismiss them as locker room talk. Would you still feel the same if he was referring to what he did to your daughter? To your sister? To your mother? Our young girls do not need to hear this disgusting ancient mentality being voiced by a presidential nominee. It is not ok to say these things, it is not ok to excuse them. It is equal to us being told a boy likes us because he hit us in elementary school. Abuse is NEVER acceptable.  I have 2 daughters and I will be dammed if I will ever let them think a person putting their UNWANTED hands on their bodies is ok in any way shape or form. How can people excuse bigotry, hate and abuse as acceptable in the name of change? You glorify and put this in power of our nation and it is slapping us all in the face. Punishing those of us that have been on the receiving end of abuse..bigotry and hate..and teaching our youth that you can be a horrible abusive person and you too can become president. I am angry and sad that this is our society.

Stop obsessing

... Yeah i know I am... But see.. Now I'm obsessing over the fact that you noticed how bad I was obsessing...

*Sigh*

No one told me

If I could prepare anyone for living with the same issues that I battle with every minute of every day,   I would tell them how things will be different.  I would tell them to think outside of what you were taught.  I would tell them that using your teeth becomes imperative and learning to do it while no one watches is the challenge.  Anything you used to do with that affected hand will have to be done by the good hand now.  Your other arm, the not affected arm, will get so tired it will make your whole body exhausted because it is doing the duty of 2 now.  I wish that I had had someone to turn to. I wish a therapist or doctor would have supported me and helped me through this terrible time. None of the doctors helped me. None of the therapists did any benefit in my recovery. They did more harm than anything positive. They told me I was damaged and mentally slower. They told me that I needed to accept that I would never drive a car or hold a full time job again. They told me that I needed to accept being mentally handicapped. One particular horrible occupational therapist named Carolyn at Lakeview Neuro Rehab insisted that I was mentally broken now.  She gave me an IQ test 3 weeks after having a major stroke.  She did this because she said I needed to accept my fate and to stop being so defiant and arrogant. She talked to other therapists about me in front of me referring to my diminished mental state. She treated me like a non-human.  She was terrible and the worst person I have ever met. When she asked me what my long term goal was I told her it was to flip her off with my left hand. For everyone she ever destroyed with her venom…I wish her nothing but a terrible and negative future.

What I found out through my own research was that there are helping aides for people like me. There are special can openers and nifty cutting boards with spikes to hold items down.  There are little tricks to learn in order to still do things a little easier.  But, some things still and always will be an issue. Things that are a struggle to do and to figure out with pre thought how to handle things in any situation.
These are some:

• Putting on mittens, gloves, socks
• Buttoning and zipping  your pants, shirts, coats
• Bras.  Anything that needs fastening, tying  or pulling over the head tightly 
• Pulling sleeves down (especially with tight shirts)
• For girls:  doing your hair ie: ponytail, braid, trimming yours or others hair; putting hair in rollers, curling iron, flat iron
• Cutting round objects ie: tomatoes, they squish; hard objects like onions or apples roll fast so you risk the finger chop
• Cutting meats
• Peeling cucumbers, potatoes, apples
• Carry a large hot/boiling pot of water to drain in the sink
• Making a snow ball
• Bike riding
• Playing sports like “catch” with your kids or badminton, baseball, volleyball
• Go swimming in deep water where you have to tread water
• Going to a water park or amusement park where you need to hold on for the ride (I’ve almost become a statistic with this one… scary)
• Writing a note on a little post it or scrap of paper
• Shaving your arm pit
• Opening and applying a band aid, pad, panty liners... anything really in a plastic cover
• Rubbing lotion on your other arm
• Jewelry: bracelets/ watches that attach, necklaces, earrings with backs
• Painting your nails on other hand or even filing them
• Carry the  laundry basket upstairs/downstairs
• Tying on/ putting on your shoes or clothes (especially in public)
• Buckle the strap on a pair of dainty heels 
• Holding a delicate little baby
• Opening a bottle, jar, can of anything, yogurt, applesauce
• When someone hands you a pill and a drink to take it with at the same time
• Buffet lines for food. Carrying a plate and serving yourself
• Parties where you hold your plate and eat while socializing
• Getting blood pressure checked on arm filled with spacisity.  They usually will get inaccurate readings so offer other arm automatically. Same with blood draws.
• Typing

It took years of occupational, physical and speech therapy.  I had to regain my balance and to pay extra attention to my left side. I had to remember how to lift my foot when walking and to not mis- judge and walk into a door frame.   I had to re learn how to kiss.  I had to learn how to swallow properly.  Most of these I learned myself and through life lessons, not from any therapists.  I would tell the younger me not to listen to any of the negative disparaging things that doctors and therapists say to me about my future.  I would tell myself to only focus on the blessings of surviving that I got to see my children grow and to always follow your gut. Remember that you are a survivor. You are stronger than you ever imagined you could be.  Sometimes surviving IS the only option

Ode to a Tick

Oh tick,

What is your purpose?

You appear on my body as if a phantom, coming out from nowhere

I see you stuck onto my flesh like a blood sucking freckle.

Why oh why do you plaque the earth?

With your outstretched legs awaiting to seize my preoccupied form

Arachnid arachnid oh parasite of blood

How do I stop you?

You are not partial to my flesh or that of my dogs

All that you crave is impartial sanguine essence

I varnish my body with DEET, to hell with the toxins

Not to be your paratrophic host is my only objective

Ah ha there you are! You thought I wouldn’t find you

I pluck you off, not missing any part

Cannot leave your head or any small feature

Dispose of your remains ensconced in a watery grave

Flush, there you go circling down to your ultimate destination

"I should take a mental picture.... click..."

My daughters had friends over last night.  I love when I hear the laughter and noise they produce. I am not saying that sarcastically, I really do.  Being young and carefree is such a short time in our lives. Before we know it we are paying rent and mortgages and being sure to turn lights off as we walk out of a room to save 25 cents worth of electricity.  Stress comes with the responsibilities and demands. A teenagers job is to be good, help out and get good grades. If they just do that then life with me is peachy keen.  All of my kids have followed those rules. They are great kids. I think I'll keep um.  I don't mind closing my door in my bedroom because the video game being played creates yells from jump scares.  I don't mind going to the grocery store and being sure we always have chips, salsa and junk food for them.  It makes me happy to see them enjoying life. It makes my heart smile to hear the laughs. No matter how many they invite over,  all of them are welcome.

One kiddo is grown and lives an hour away working a great job and is playing the grown up role pretty damn well.  The other two are finishing up high school.  With in the next 3 years, my house will be silent. No loud laughter at 2 am, no cups of pepsi, popcorn bowls and water bottles to clean up.  No multiple closets to raid and swap clothes and shoes.  The thought and image of this makes me very sad.  I am a mom. I have been one since the minute I became what the country considers an adult.  I have been a mom soon after high school.  My life shifted gears so fast. Doing for him was my only focus. It was all I thought about.  Then I married and had the ladybugs.  I always worried how I would be as a mom of teenagers. I will admit, life with the first teenager had its rather shitty moments.  I was happy to get past those. He was our trial balloon. He's a great young man now, so I guess I didn't fuck him up to bad. I actually really enjoy them. I have enjoyed every stage each has gone through.  They are so funny and so loving. My cup runneth over.

Poulet

A friend of mine just got a buncha chickens. They are tiny, small, peeping balls of soft feathers. She shows me pictures and even videos like they are her offspring. They each have names. They are her"cluckers". I have never wanted a chicken before...at least not a live one. I do love yummy tasty chicken. I have owned a potbelly pig. It was an expensive and ill-advised purchase. She was adorable until she became a fat and grumpy hog. Then the asshole had to go. I sold her on Craigslist. Lesson learned. Because of that I am gun shy. Seems like a unnecessary addition to the household family. Yet, i want some. I don't know when this odd transformation into agricultural purchases originated. Finding happiness, all be it in fowl, is where it's all at. Life is filled with stress and keeps us busy where we forget how short life really is. Whatever makes us feel joy is what we need to grasp onto and hold tight. 

I also want goats......

Senses

The first time I realized that I had no feeling was lying in the ER. I kept feeling something very cold touching my foot....my right foot. Finally I pulled back the sheet to see if it was an ice pack or cold rag....nope it was my left foot. My brain screamed oh shit that can't be good.  Imagine a line going all the way down your body separating your left from your right side. The right is normal. It moves,  feels and now does the job of the slacking left side.  My right arm haaaaates my left one. I can just tell. I have no feeling in the majority of my left side. None. Zilch. To all the people that tap and pinch me asking, can you feel this? No. I can't. From a soft gentle hand on my cheek, to a shoe on my foot. The small areas that do feel are all fucked up not knowing what to do. My oh so  sensetive side and under my arm  does the opposite. It says touch = pain. As if a red hot needle pokes my skin.  Pain, cold and stress makes the spasisity seize up my left side so tight its like my muscles are fighting turning to stone. I guess kinda like a  Bruce Banner (David Banner in the 70's 😉) not wanting to turn into the green guy. Can't get into water cooler than 98 degrees.  Gotta watch myself near fire too. I've burned myself more than once and had no idea. Fire bad.  It's like my left side has become an angry 3 year old refusing to do anything except stand stiff and say NO I WONT DO IT! The best I can do is coax it calm with candy.... It calms the beast a little.

I am a stroke survivor

It's true. I am a stroke survivor. Even 13 years later hearing those words rips me to my core. It stops me and a chill goes down my spine.   It never gets easier to say. It never gets easier to explain. I hate the words. I hate the results that are left in the wake of that reality. I hate my reflection and I hate that I have had to learn a new me. I cant give you a lecture on the 10 easy steps to a full recovery. I can't tell you that prayer and therapy and shear will power will make it better. It won't. I held onto all of those looking for a miracle to restore my broken body.  The fact of the matter is I'm still battling all of the same issues years later.  On May 12, 2003 my reality changed in a blink of an eye. That morning, my thoughts of making breakfast for my babies and picking my son up from school was my fore front thoughts.  I had no idea that an ischemic stroke was about to destroy patches in my brain. My brain scans now looks like someone erased parts of me. Parts of my independence. Parts of my personality to leave behind black holes for me to fill with a new reality.  My new reality consists of always thinking ahead to all situations that will arise.  Will there be steps, is the ground even, will i have to try and put food onto a plate buffet style, will the pool be too deep that i cant tread water, can i zip that up, will anyone see me trip, explaining choking on water, being out of breath from walking,  do i have to tie that, did someone touch my left shoulder, is my face crooked because I'm tired, did anyone notice me crying when i should be laughing, how do i explain not being able to feel that..open my hand.  When the stroke happened, it was before the cork screw thingy that could go up and break apart the clot. It was on the brink of the "clot busting" drug. So much has happened in medical science to change the results of such a terrible attack.  I am so happy for everyone that is spared what me and millions of others battle. But, I just gotta say...wtf man? Why not just a couple years earlier? I always have been little miss independent.  My pride is one of the largest parts of my character.  Suddenly I had to be humbled into asking for help. I had to accept offers of.. "need help with that"? My natural answer is still no thank you, I got it.

Not a hero...but a zero

A mother is awoken in the middle of the night with a startling thought. As the winds blow hard outside she pictures the large pine tree standing just 15 feet from her house swaying back and forth. Next her vision moves to it crashing through her roof and landing right on her sleeping 11year old daughter. These things happen...i mean..we all see the tragic stories on the news. Now the question the mother asks herself over and over...is this a divine glimpse into the future or is this only the product of an imagination that has watched way too much television? Lying in bed going back and forth between feeling insane and the possible fame of following a spiritual notion..a premonition. After seeing the anguish his wife is experiencing, her husband gets out of bed and gently wakes their sleeping daughter. He softly gives a basic explanation and leads her to sleep in the living room on the new and comfortable couch. With this the mother is able to fall back to sleep knowing that the winds can blow and her children are now safe. Just think...if and when the tree crashes through her roof. She will be praised as a hero. She will be giving interviews how she was awoken and lead to save her family by divine instruction.
Alas...instead..i woke up to my house perfect. The tree stood strong a waved back and forth as if to mock me. I guess it is confirmed that i am neurotic. I sit back and as i explain to my children what happened that i look like a crazy person. They actually laughed and said they love that i loved them enough to make sure no one was squished by an impending falling tree.

Haiku to Chilli Cheese Fries

Salty and cheesy
Yet so deliciously good
Ignored how greasy

Awoke in the night
Intestines in a revolt
Too late for penance

All filled with regret
Popping Bentyl like Pez
Have learned my lesson

Just a small smackerel?

I guess its a bad sign when i ate my sandwich at 9:30 am. To make it all worse is i sit across from the kitchen and i am smelling someones yummy lunch. All i want is pizza right now. The tragic part to this story is that pay day is tomorrow. I am flat broke with $2 in my purse. I have barely enough gas to get home tonight. And even that might be a crap shoot. I  cant even drive to McDonald's to partake in the dollar menu. *tear* It's a sad story filled with woe and weeping....but hey...it forces me to not regret my eating choices.

Except for at this moment i could eat a whole wildabeast.  That probably has a lot of calories, carbs, sodium and any other shit i think makes food delicious.

Pez?

I am pretty sure that when people walk into my office they dont expect what they see. A matter a fact, i know this because it was said just yesterday. My office has wind up toys, stuffed animals and candy spilling over my desk. My take is that life is too short. It is over in a blink of an eye.  I will enjoy it and laugh and smile and find enjoyment wherever i can. I think its pretty obvious that is how I live my life.  So, in knowing this why would anything suprise anyone? A couple days ago while waiting in line at Wal mart, i spied pez dispensers on the bottom shelf of a rack in the check out line. My natural and first response was to excitingly say (in my head, of course) " oooo i love pez". But then my grown up side said "seriously? Your not fucking 10". As i stood in line with a box off Puffs plus lotion tissues for my sore and stuffy nose and packages of feminine products falling out of my arms (hey, i have a house full of teenage girls and i always REFUSE to get a cart stupidly believing i don't need one. I tell myself the lie we all are guilty of saying; Im gonna be in and out with only 2 items). I began the debate with my two inner voices. It was a very fast debate. I believe the childish side of me won by throwing a tantrum.  So, i bent down and looked through the rows of princess pez faces looking up at me until i found the one i wanted. The princesses werent calling to me. They had smug and pretentious smiles just because they were manufactured as royalty. Then i saw a plain little girl smile of what the package says is Strawberry Shortcake but i beg to differ. Thats the one.  So i piled my selections neatly onto the conveyor belt and carried them home. At work the next day, me and Strawberry Shortcake were ready to face the day. I decided to offer everyone who steps into my office a Pez. So when the unsuspecting victim walks into my office to discuss serious matters i listen closely. After hearing there request,  i pick up my trusty Pez and proceed to bent her little blond haired head back and pop one of the little candy treats into my mouth. As soon as i do this i tilt the dispenser towards my guest and offer  "pez"? This usually stops them in mid sentence. Then the question is who will win the debate in their heads?

I will not sit on an exercise ball at work

What is it about back pain that makes you feel like an old witch ? I dont know how i hurt my lower back, but i have.  Im not saying im old. Im just saying as soon as i hit 41 on Sunday,  my back decided it was really 85. I think it is counting my age in dog years.  The worst part is...i didn't do anything strenuous.  I noticed the ouch- ness after sitting at my computer typing for a long amount of time. I think i was a bit stressed too. Does that matter? Ever since that day o' work = pain. That settles it..it doesn't pay to be a dedicated employee. Do you think anyone would notice if i A.) Layed on the floor in my office acting as if it isnt odd or B.) I sat at my desk bent over like Quasimodo. I will refrain from calling out "Sanctuary!!!".

Road rage - (dbl R, i would so kick ass in scrabble)

I think, for the most part, that i am pretty kind and considerate. I hold doors for people and always remember to say please and thank you. I want people to know i appreciate them and care about them. Ok, with that being said...i do not happily submit to forceable kindness. I think it sucks when a person inches their way into making you be nice to them. This morning i sat in bumper to bumper traffic for 20 minutes just to get my daughter to school. After dropping her off i jumped right back into to traffic line. A young guy (aka dick head) in a huge black pick up decided he shouldnt have to wait. So...he did that pull out in front of you deal where the only option is to slam on the  breaks and let him go.  My reaction: flip him the bird. This is an action i highly do not recommend or even do. I learned my lesson in Chicago when my husband did it to a guy cutting us off by O'hare airport. That was a tense moment that i knew we were gonna die...except my sons innocent face in the back seat saved us from a gruesome scenerio.  Thankfully the dick head i flipped the bird to today drove on without retaliation.  I can not believe that reaction popped out so quickly.  I mean, a cursing inside my car peppered with words of profanity....yes...but a hand gesture? Sooo not me. 

Stealing kindness must be discouraged. It could save a life.

This public service announcement has been brought to you by the letter "R".

Nothing gold can stay

I am a firm believer in the saying, "you're only as old as you feel". I usually feel young and great..like I'm in my 20's.. alright.. late 20's. Dejectedly until 4 days ago.  I was blow drying my hair and I bent over to dry it faster. When I stood up I got the worst pain in my neck. I may have whipped my hair back and forth like Willow Smith said to, thus creating the physical pain I was encountering.  I stood there holding my neck in disbelief that just flipping my hair back and forth caused such fucking pain. Literally my hair was a pain in my neck. Now here it is days later and it still hurts like hell causing me to turn to the left like Frankenstein. Last night as I lay my aching neck on the heating pad, I dozed off watching TV. (yes....Like an old lady) When I was startled awake by a commercial that was way too loud, I took some vitamins and supplements and went to bed like I have for years. For some unknown reason my body DID NOT agree with my choice of Iron supplements. I woke up at 3:30 a.m. with heartburn and a tummy ache. As I lay in bed, I thought to myself "damn it, today I feel old".  Did I mention I had to have a baby tooth pulled? Now I have a gap in my teeth.  sigh, yes, its true. So, I can no longer have lotsa lactose, sleep through anything, drink liquor or dance like I used to. Matter a fact I sit here in a bent over sad and painful contorted position on my couch almost in an upright fetal position.  I say alas, today.. I feel 105. I will take my blood thinning 325mg of asprin, take out my false teeth and curl up under an afghan in my quiet bedroom. After a great Xanex induced sleep I will wake up and feel like I am 28 again. :)

Does this make me a grown up now?

It's a sad day when on my first day off...I wake up at 7am with a slept to long headache.  I love to sleep and I love my bed. I have always been able to be a marathon sleeper. I could do a run of 10 hrs with no prep time or stretching. Then came along the sleep nemesis... a job. Now my days off and weekends are filled with early morning sunlight and fulfilling "productive" tasks.  One Saturday, only one, I actually was done cleaning shit and it was only 11am. I don't know when this happened or how I can make it stop.  I think it must be a slow progression like getting fat, it doesn't happen over night. I feel like I blinked and now I am a grown up. I will not go gracefully into this category. I will never be heard uttering parental phrases like "get up! the days a waistin'" or "you're sleepin the day away". No, I will be envious of those still cuddled in their beds snoozing all while I ... *sigh*...am being productive.

It's not water boarding if it's out of love

I don't know how.. but I have become one of those people that loves their pet. I am in love with our bunny. Her actual name is Mocha, even though I like to lengthen her name and call her Mochachino. I find myself giving her kisses before I leave for work and stopping by the store to get her new toys and snacks. I realized today that it is full blown love and that perhaps I treat her better than humans. A few nights ago she has got a dirty schnozzola. I had this great idea of getting a warm wash cloth and quickly wiping her snuffleupagus. Apparently that was not a welcomed idea by my daughter (the real owner of MY hausenfeffer) . She quickly snapped... "NO Mom you are not going to water board the bunny!" I guess I hadn't thought of it like that. How 'bout a warm shower or putting her head over a warm steam vaporizer or even a tea kettle? None of these ideas were acceptable. All of these genius ideas were only formed out of love for Mochachino and her yucky nose. Oh well.. I guess she will just have goo stuck to her fur..even though it looks icky. It's ok, I still love her and she loves me.

Use the force

Today I dropped my Taco Bell Cinnamon twists on the passenger side floor in my car. I sadly looked at them sprinkled across my floor mat. I stretched my arm out and tried so hard to move them with Jedi powers. I tried using my Yoda voice...tried curling my fingers filled with  magical powers...I tried staring at them intently. I even tried to beg them. Nothing worked. The sprinkled cinnamon lying across my seat and flowing onto the floor taunted me.  I leaned over and grabbed the ones I could reach. I mean, the 5 second rule didn't apply in my car.. would it?

One day, I will have mind control and I will be able to raise a cinnamon twist. I know it to be so.....

too be continued......