I am a stroke survivor

It's true. I am a stroke survivor. Even 13 years later hearing those words rips me to my core. It stops me and a chill goes down my spine.   It never gets easier to say. It never gets easier to explain. I hate the words. I hate the results that are left in the wake of that reality. I hate my reflection and I hate that I have had to learn a new me. I cant give you a lecture on the 10 easy steps to a full recovery. I can't tell you that prayer and therapy and shear will power will make it better. It won't. I held onto all of those looking for a miracle to restore my broken body.  The fact of the matter is I'm still battling all of the same issues years later.  On May 12, 2003 my reality changed in a blink of an eye. That morning, my thoughts of making breakfast for my babies and picking my son up from school was my fore front thoughts.  I had no idea that an ischemic stroke was about to destroy patches in my brain. My brain scans now looks like someone erased parts of me. Parts of my independence. Parts of my personality to leave behind black holes for me to fill with a new reality.  My new reality consists of always thinking ahead to all situations that will arise.  Will there be steps, is the ground even, will i have to try and put food onto a plate buffet style, will the pool be too deep that i cant tread water, can i zip that up, will anyone see me trip, explaining choking on water, being out of breath from walking,  do i have to tie that, did someone touch my left shoulder, is my face crooked because I'm tired, did anyone notice me crying when i should be laughing, how do i explain not being able to feel that..open my hand.  When the stroke happened, it was before the cork screw thingy that could go up and break apart the clot. It was on the brink of the "clot busting" drug. So much has happened in medical science to change the results of such a terrible attack.  I am so happy for everyone that is spared what me and millions of others battle. But, I just gotta say...wtf man? Why not just a couple years earlier? I always have been little miss independent.  My pride is one of the largest parts of my character.  Suddenly I had to be humbled into asking for help. I had to accept offers of.. "need help with that"? My natural answer is still no thank you, I got it.