Possession

People always add possession to things like stroke or heart attack...I won't take possession of something I never wanted or asked for. It isn't "my" stroke. It's THE stroke. I refuse to give it any possession over me. It happened to me, it's not mine.

Laxatives and adult diapers

Yesterday I was pushing a cart in the grocery store.  I pushed my cart with a mission of getting through this busy isle without insident.  I zoomed passed a family pushing an overful cart that must have food from at least half of isle 2 and most of the cereal isle. They had a child in the front seat reaching for every thing it could grasp, nose running and whining. As I performed a nascar  move around that scene, I was feeling particularly happy that those stressful parenting days were in my past...I am sure I was even smugly smiling.  I was almost out of the busy isle when i spotted an older lady pushing her cart and staring directly at me.  She was making a mean face like she had just smelled a fart and knew I was the culprit.  At this moment she makes a motion with her hands to slow down as if i was driving 55  past  blind children playing and she says loudly, "slow down...you're gonna hurt someone acting like that. "  I did my typical laugh it off because a) I could barely hear her as a zoomed past her at time lapsing speed and b) she had to have been kidding... didn't she? I immediately told my husband and we both had a laugh. But as I lay in bed I wonder, what would make a person feel like that was a real concern so much so that they needed to express loudly in a busy grocery store? Was her life moving in such a tortoise slow pace that I was a theat to others safety? I mean honestly,  they are shopping carts.  So, I began to make scenarios of the state of this womans life to explain her actions. 
1. Maybe she was very constipated and looking for the prune juice. I can relate to feeling uncomfortable and bloated and your deepest desire is to drop a toilet clogging duce.
2. Maybe her grandson just stole the keys to her Buick and was caught joyriding with a carload of teens drinking booze and taking marijuana tablets.
3.  Maybe she had fallen down the stairs that morning and her Life alert didn't work so she had to call her grandson but he was busy with his hooligan friends so now she had only to rely on herself but because she was so bloated and constipated she couldn't get up and cried until a neighbor heard and broke into her house because he didn't have a key and had to help her up while laughing at her because when she had fallen she had landed on her precious siamese cat Biscuit. 

Maybe I get carried away and overthink things.

So what???

I have never read or gone to see Fifty Shades of Grey, Magic Mike or any of the Twilight series. I wasn't a mom that took allegiance to any team whether it be Jacob or Edward.  I am 45 and proud to be here. With that said, i am fed up with the ignorant statements being made that women will see those movies, read those books yet be offended by what Donald Trump was caught saying in 2005 about what he does to women. Really? How much lower can society go? Just when I think we have hit bottom, it goes further down the rabbit hole. I do not see the correlation between reading a fictitious book or watching fictional movies with a grown ass man bragging about sexually assaulting women and getting away with it due to his fame. I am disgusted by those of you that are in support of such comments and dismiss them as locker room talk. Would you still feel the same if he was referring to what he did to your daughter? To your sister? To your mother? Our young girls do not need to hear this disgusting ancient mentality being voiced by a presidential nominee. It is not ok to say these things, it is not ok to excuse them. It is equal to us being told a boy likes us because he hit us in elementary school. Abuse is NEVER acceptable.  I have 2 daughters and I will be dammed if I will ever let them think a person putting their UNWANTED hands on their bodies is ok in any way shape or form. How can people excuse bigotry, hate and abuse as acceptable in the name of change? You glorify and put this in power of our nation and it is slapping us all in the face. Punishing those of us that have been on the receiving end of abuse..bigotry and hate..and teaching our youth that you can be a horrible abusive person and you too can become president. I am angry and sad that this is our society.

Stop obsessing

... Yeah i know I am... But see.. Now I'm obsessing over the fact that you noticed how bad I was obsessing...

*Sigh*

No one told me

If I could prepare anyone for living with the same issues that I battle with every minute of every day,   I would tell them how things will be different.  I would tell them to think outside of what you were taught.  I would tell them that using your teeth becomes imperative and learning to do it while no one watches is the challenge.  Anything you used to do with that affected hand will have to be done by the good hand now.  Your other arm, the not affected arm, will get so tired it will make your whole body exhausted because it is doing the duty of 2 now.  I wish that I had had someone to turn to. I wish a therapist or doctor would have supported me and helped me through this terrible time. None of the doctors helped me. None of the therapists did any benefit in my recovery. They did more harm than anything positive. They told me I was damaged and mentally slower. They told me that I needed to accept that I would never drive a car or hold a full time job again. They told me that I needed to accept being mentally handicapped. One particular horrible occupational therapist named Carolyn at Lakeview Neuro Rehab insisted that I was mentally broken now.  She gave me an IQ test 3 weeks after having a major stroke.  She did this because she said I needed to accept my fate and to stop being so defiant and arrogant. She talked to other therapists about me in front of me referring to my diminished mental state. She treated me like a non-human.  She was terrible and the worst person I have ever met. When she asked me what my long term goal was I told her it was to flip her off with my left hand. For everyone she ever destroyed with her venom…I wish her nothing but a terrible and negative future.

What I found out through my own research was that there are helping aides for people like me. There are special can openers and nifty cutting boards with spikes to hold items down.  There are little tricks to learn in order to still do things a little easier.  But, some things still and always will be an issue. Things that are a struggle to do and to figure out with pre thought how to handle things in any situation.
These are some:

• Putting on mittens, gloves, socks
• Buttoning and zipping  your pants, shirts, coats
• Bras.  Anything that needs fastening, tying  or pulling over the head tightly 
• Pulling sleeves down (especially with tight shirts)
• For girls:  doing your hair ie: ponytail, braid, trimming yours or others hair; putting hair in rollers, curling iron, flat iron
• Cutting round objects ie: tomatoes, they squish; hard objects like onions or apples roll fast so you risk the finger chop
• Cutting meats
• Peeling cucumbers, potatoes, apples
• Carry a large hot/boiling pot of water to drain in the sink
• Making a snow ball
• Bike riding
• Playing sports like “catch” with your kids or badminton, baseball, volleyball
• Go swimming in deep water where you have to tread water
• Going to a water park or amusement park where you need to hold on for the ride (I’ve almost become a statistic with this one… scary)
• Writing a note on a little post it or scrap of paper
• Shaving your arm pit
• Opening and applying a band aid, pad, panty liners... anything really in a plastic cover
• Rubbing lotion on your other arm
• Jewelry: bracelets/ watches that attach, necklaces, earrings with backs
• Painting your nails on other hand or even filing them
• Carry the  laundry basket upstairs/downstairs
• Tying on/ putting on your shoes or clothes (especially in public)
• Buckle the strap on a pair of dainty heels 
• Holding a delicate little baby
• Opening a bottle, jar, can of anything, yogurt, applesauce
• When someone hands you a pill and a drink to take it with at the same time
• Buffet lines for food. Carrying a plate and serving yourself
• Parties where you hold your plate and eat while socializing
• Getting blood pressure checked on arm filled with spacisity.  They usually will get inaccurate readings so offer other arm automatically. Same with blood draws.
• Typing

It took years of occupational, physical and speech therapy.  I had to regain my balance and to pay extra attention to my left side. I had to remember how to lift my foot when walking and to not mis- judge and walk into a door frame.   I had to re learn how to kiss.  I had to learn how to swallow properly.  Most of these I learned myself and through life lessons, not from any therapists.  I would tell the younger me not to listen to any of the negative disparaging things that doctors and therapists say to me about my future.  I would tell myself to only focus on the blessings of surviving that I got to see my children grow and to always follow your gut. Remember that you are a survivor. You are stronger than you ever imagined you could be.  Sometimes surviving IS the only option

Ode to a Tick

Oh tick,

What is your purpose?

You appear on my body as if a phantom, coming out from nowhere

I see you stuck onto my flesh like a blood sucking freckle.

Why oh why do you plaque the earth?

With your outstretched legs awaiting to seize my preoccupied form

Arachnid arachnid oh parasite of blood

How do I stop you?

You are not partial to my flesh or that of my dogs

All that you crave is impartial sanguine essence

I varnish my body with DEET, to hell with the toxins

Not to be your paratrophic host is my only objective

Ah ha there you are! You thought I wouldn’t find you

I pluck you off, not missing any part

Cannot leave your head or any small feature

Dispose of your remains ensconced in a watery grave

Flush, there you go circling down to your ultimate destination

"I should take a mental picture.... click..."

My daughters had friends over last night.  I love when I hear the laughter and noise they produce. I am not saying that sarcastically, I really do.  Being young and carefree is such a short time in our lives. Before we know it we are paying rent and mortgages and being sure to turn lights off as we walk out of a room to save 25 cents worth of electricity.  Stress comes with the responsibilities and demands. A teenagers job is to be good, help out and get good grades. If they just do that then life with me is peachy keen.  All of my kids have followed those rules. They are great kids. I think I'll keep um.  I don't mind closing my door in my bedroom because the video game being played creates yells from jump scares.  I don't mind going to the grocery store and being sure we always have chips, salsa and junk food for them.  It makes me happy to see them enjoying life. It makes my heart smile to hear the laughs. No matter how many they invite over,  all of them are welcome.

One kiddo is grown and lives an hour away working a great job and is playing the grown up role pretty damn well.  The other two are finishing up high school.  With in the next 3 years, my house will be silent. No loud laughter at 2 am, no cups of pepsi, popcorn bowls and water bottles to clean up.  No multiple closets to raid and swap clothes and shoes.  The thought and image of this makes me very sad.  I am a mom. I have been one since the minute I became what the country considers an adult.  I have been a mom soon after high school.  My life shifted gears so fast. Doing for him was my only focus. It was all I thought about.  Then I married and had the ladybugs.  I always worried how I would be as a mom of teenagers. I will admit, life with the first teenager had its rather shitty moments.  I was happy to get past those. He was our trial balloon. He's a great young man now, so I guess I didn't fuck him up to bad. I actually really enjoy them. I have enjoyed every stage each has gone through.  They are so funny and so loving. My cup runneth over.